What Not To Do On Atlantis
by Just Add Coffee
Summary: The city of the Ancients was meant to have the best and brightest of planet Earth on the expedition. So why did a list of "What not to do" have to be complied? T for a weeny bit of suggestiveness ;D


**Authors Note: **I know, I know- its been done before, and this really is an outlet for writer block which will probably never be added to again, but I hope you enjoy anyway!

**Disclaimer: **Nope, I don't own Atlantis. If I did, Zelenka would really make moonshine, and Major Lorne would be in it a lot more.. ;)

**What not to do on Atlantis.**

The city of the Ancients was meant to have the best and brightest of planet Earth on the expedition.

So why did a list of "What not to do" have to be complied?

**1. You are not, under any circumstances allowed to bungee jump off the main tower. Are you trying to give Dr Beckett a heart attack?**

This was Ronon and John's fault. The 'gate had malfunctioned, and being stuck in the city for three weeks had done nothing good to the pair.

**2. Hoard the chocolate, and you will be thrown off the pier. Repeatedly.**

Newbies really didn't have a clue..

**3. It is not funny to mess with people's showers. The Command Staff do not like being blue.**

The scientists had been out for revenge after the Chocolate War, when the chocolate had been hoarded. Elizabeth and Colonel Sheppard were ready to swing for someone.

**4. Even if you had good reason too, hanging scientists off a makeshift flagpole is not a good idea.**

Colonel Sheppard had got his revenge.

**4. Atlantis isn't a yo-yo. We are not sinking it so you can impress alien women.**

The infamous A-13 had struck, and their pleas to sink the city 'just for a sec' had resulted in them babysitting Dr Parrish and a few other botanists off-world for three weeks.

**5. If you enjoy having a head, I would suggest you don't make signs that say Lorne + Cadman forever and hang them all over Atlantis. She's a bomb-specialist.**

They had to locked in the brig for three days until they calmed down enough to go back on duty.

**6. You can have signs that say Evan + Laura forever either. Dr Beckett may be a great surgeon, but he can't grow you new limbs when you get found out.**

The smartass who had done the original signs had tried to find away around it. Lorne and Cadman were back in the brig.

**7. Singing is not a weapon against the Wraith. I don't care if you can actually break a glass with your voice- Wraith aren't made of glass, are they?**

Elizabeth worried about A-13, she really did.

**8. Major Lorne and Lieutenant Cadman are no longer allowed to draw, paint, or write unsupervised. You all saw the consequences.**

Evan and Laura had their revenge. They made posters and snuck out during the night. Next morning, every wall in Atlantis had posters declaring " Dusty Mehra + Harvey Reed forever."

They found out who did the posters after all.

**9. You are not allowed bring the Daedalus crew to bring silly string.**

**9A. Lorne, Cadman, Reed and Mehra aren't allowed bribe them for anything. Revenge wars stay in Pegasus.**

The war between four of the military personnel seemed never ending. They had four rules of their own already.

**10. Jumpers are not to be painted. I don't care if 'they look unreal now.' **

Once John and Teyla painted Jumper One with race stripes and the number 53 after watching Herbie, the craze caught on. Now they had ten different coloured jumpers.

**11. Zelenka's Moonshine is ****not,**** under any circumstances to be brought off world.**

While Elizabeth turned a blind eye to Zelenka's moonshine production, the fact they were bringing it off world and turning villagers into crazy drunks she had to stop. The people of Pegasus just weren't used to the stuff.

**12. Stealing Teyla's popcorn is a bad idea. She can beat you up with a single finger.**

Some idiot newbie thought it would be a great idea to raid Teyla's stash of the Earth snack, and they know had both Teyla and John hunting them down.

**13. Giving couple's on Atlantis 'couple names' is not allowed. Ever.**

'Sheyla', 'McWeir', 'Ladman' and 'Dustvey' were on the warpath. The fact three of the Command Staff were involved saved them from the brig.

**14. Whoever started the 'Big Fish, Little Fish' craze will be locked in a room with Ronon if they're ever found.**

The head-wrecking dance had found its way onto Atlantis. When Elizabeth saw John and Carson competing to see who could do it better, she got worried.

**15. Never, ever drag race the puddle jumpers.**

**15A. Including off-world. We will find out.**

Major Lorne had started this one when off world with Sergeant Stackhouse. When the cleaning staff had to clear up Dr Parrish's vomit from the floor of the puddle jumper six times, she had to put a stop to it.

For the poor scientist's sake.

**16. Whoever broke Chuck's ipod has to get him a new one. He's curled up in the infirmary crying his heart out. We need a mentally stable 'gate tech guys.**

Elizabeth didn't want to know what had happened, but she wanted her Chief Technician out of the fetal position and back in the control room.

**17. The communications system is not to be rigged up to play bagpipe music all day.**

Dr Beckett and a Scottish scientist had banded together to get revenge for the jibes about how awful bagpipe music was. Suddenly, everyone except them took an impromptu trip to New Athos.

**18. Never give Dr Porter anything that can be used to start fires.**

Turns out the quiet doctor had quite the knack for starting fires with pretty much anything. It got her team run out of six villages before anyone copped on.

**19. Make fun of Major Teldy's all girl team, and they will constantly sing 'Here come the Girls' and 'One Girl Revolution.'**

**19A. Scratch that. Any girl you make fun of will do that, including Elizabeth.**

The men were being idiots. The girls got their revenge. All was well on Atlantis.

**20. A-7 are never to return to P3X282. Even if they are the new gods of the planet.**

A-7 had somehow managed to start a freaking religion on P3X282. Two months on Puddle Jumper cleaning duty had made them less eager to go back. Elizabeth hoped she had nipped that one in the bud.

**21. Zelenka's Moonshine is not a brand name, and it is not to be labelled and sold back on Earth or here in Pegasus.**

That was actually General O'Neill and SG-1's fault. They had come to Atlantis and somehow sampled Zelenka's alcohol. Elizabeth found them sitting on the pier with A-5, Zelenka, Major Lorne and Sergeant Mehra discussing the new business they were planning on setting up.

SG-1 would handle the Earth side sales, A-5 would handle the Pegasus side of this, Major Lorne would draw the labels and.. No one knew what Dusty was going to do, and no one wanted to find out.

**22. Problems between you and your significant other stay private. And quiet.**

Elizabeth had many people to blame for this. Evan and Laura got in a fight about something and spent four hours chasing each other 'round Atlantis screaming at each other.

John and Teyla had gotten into a fight, and decided that a sparring match would solve anything. An hour and a half in, half the Atlantis personnel were in the gym betting on who would get their ass kicked.

**23. The crew of the Daedalus don't need to be treated to the Atlantis version of 'Leavin' on a Jet Plane' every time they leave for Earth.**

Elizabeth was worried about her expedition. Very, very worried.

**24. Couples consoling is a GOOD idea. There is no reason to pick a fight with Dr Heightmyer because she suggested it.**

Kate thought she had a solution to all the very public couple-y arguements. The couples didn't agree.

**25. Jumper One is not Herbie, Teyla is not Maggie Peyton, and Colonel Sheppard is not Jim Douglas. Got it?**

Whoever started the Herbie craze was marked man.

**26. Dr McKay will have a nervous breakdown if he's ever asked to turn a Puddle Jumper into a 'nice DeLoren' again.**

Major Marks was in hiding on the Daedalus. He was the one who had brought Back to the Future to the expedition in their movie box, and re-ignited their passion for the movie. He was staying on the ship until it returned to Earth, and may be putting in for a transfer.

**27. Dress up parties are well and good, but making people duct tape mummies because there is no toilet paper is a bad idea. And a lie.**

Laura thought she would solve all her and Evan's problems by sorting out his costume. It took two days for Dr Beckett too get all the duct tape off.

**30. Atlantis is not the 'Shining City of Sparkles.'**

A-13 had arrived back with members of a village to start trading talks, and they demanded to see the 'Shining City of Sparkles' before they'd even speak to Elizabeth.

**31. Just because Dr Murphy is Irish, and has red hair, it doesn't mean she is a leprechaun. **

After Dr Murphy had been calmed down, and had stopped screaming at Lieutenant George in Irish, this rule was added to the growing list.

**32. The next person who sings 'I'm On a Boat' will be stranded on a planet with no DHD.**

Elizabeth was ready to kill someone. The song was driving her insane.

**33. The Atlantis version of 'I'm On a Boat' is not to be sung on Earth. We want the SGC to think we're somewhat normal. **

**33A. And your family and friends don't have security clearance.**

The Atlantis version was funny, but when she got a report from Stargate Command requesting that no Atlantis team ever sang their version of 'I'm on a boat' outside of the Pegasus galaxy, ever again. The request had come to late apparently.

SG-13 and Vala had banded together and made an Earth version.

**34. Locking people in the brig is not funny. **

**34A. Especially when you change the codes. **

**34B. And forget the new ones.**

Major Lorne had spent two days in the brig with Dr Kavanagh, and he was hunting the culprits down. The culprits had requested a very long off-world mission.

Elizabeth hadn't granted it.

**35. Having an escape plan when you're admitted to the infirmary is not allowed.**

Dr Beckett was having great fun giving people extra injections with extra big needles.

**36. Bribing Dr Beckett with Zelenka's Moonshine will result in you being tossed off the pier.**

**36A. Do you want us to have a permanently drunk CMO?**

A-8 had thought that by bribing Dr Beckett with Zelenka's Moonshine he'd let them out of the infirmary early. He made them dance with him for three hours until the doctor passed out.

**37. Dr Kavanagh's quarters aren't a dump.**

Everyone found this funny, including the twenty seven people back on Earth he complained to.

**38. The rec room on the East Pier is not a brothel.**

Elizabeth didn't even want to know..

**39. Skateboarding through the 'gate is a very bad idea.**

After three broken wrists, five concussions and a broken leg enough was enough.

**40. Lieutenant Cadman is a girl, but she's also a Marine. Be warned.**

The sexist men of Atlantis were at it again. Lt Matthews now had a broke nose, a fractured wrist and a nasty purple bruise on his ass.

The men learnt their lesson.

**41. Never say never. **

Anything could happen in Atlantis, yet the newbies seemed to think impossible was still a word..

**42. Don't touch anything that doesn't come with instructions.**

**42A. Actually, don't touch anything.**

Too many Ancients devices were being uncovered and turning people into goats, and girls, and boys, and turning them purple, and green, making them see dancing rabbits..

**43. Grudge wars are bad. Anyone starting one will be made play the Awkward Game with A-6.**

A-6 had no shame. The Grudge wars stopped.

**44. Never give Wraith computer games.**

Jimmy and George were requesting asylum and even volunteering to take the retrovirus so they could stay on Atlantis and play the Sims 2.

**45. Training the scientists is not to be referred to as 'babysitting the eggheads with no social skills.'**

**45A. Smart people have feeling's too.**

A-3 were to blame. Five of the six scientists they had been training on the mainland had returned in tears. On the up side, Dr Heightmyer wasn't chasing the couples to give them counselling anymore since she had the depressed scientists to deal with.

**46. Stop making Chuck cry!**

The 'gate tech's new ipod had been broken in the latest Grudge War He was back in the infirmary, bawling his eyes out.

**47. Stay away from the women when its 'that time of the month.'**

**47A. Especially Lt. Cadman and Sergeant Mehra. They get angry.**

When that rule appeared on the list, Laura and Dusty were disappointed. They enjoyed screaming at people.

**48. Never get Major Lorne on a sugar high. Ever.**

Evan got so insanely hyper Dr Beckett had to sedate him. Atlantis Expedition had blackmail material for the next.. Well, forever.

**49. Hide and Seek is a good idea. But not when you get stuck is some far flung corner of the city for six hours.**

Dusty got stuck in a transporter, and since Hide and Seek wasn't exactly allowed at the time, she had been stuck there.

**50. If you're going to play 'All Star Mr & Mrs: Atlantis Style' invite everyone.**

The newly arrived English scientist had started the craze, but Dr Heightmyer was now dealing with people who felt unloved because they hadn't been invited.

Even though they weren't seeing anyone on base..

**51. If you aren't seeing anyone on base, you can't play 'All Star Mr & Mrs: Atlantis Style' but you can't play 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire: Atlantis Style.'**

**51A. You don't actually win a million, let that be known.**

Now everyone had a fake game-show to go on, and all was well on Atlantis..


End file.
